To what extent should first responders discuss the details of their work with their families?

For the purpose of this discussion, I will simplify “families” to spouses, since sharing such details with children would depend heavily on their ages.  There are several concerns for first responders when it comes to sharing the details of work with their spouses.  One is the nature of first responders in general, and the other is the effect such discussions (or lack thereof) can have on spouses.

By its very nature, this job requires people...

For the purpose of this discussion, I will simplify “families” to spouses, since sharing such details with children would depend heavily on their ages.  There are several concerns for first responders when it comes to sharing the details of work with their spouses.  One is the nature of first responders in general, and the other is the effect such discussions (or lack thereof) can have on spouses.

By its very nature, this job requires people to be decisive, making tough decisions quickly and often independently.  They learn to see themselves as strong and independent, so needing to share the very emotional events of their day with their spouse might be self-perceived as a weakness. Maybe they don’t want to bring their job home or can’t bear to verbally relive the human suffering they witnessed. Responders may also feel that the details of their day are too graphic and would only burden their spouse.  However, it is important for anyone working such a traumatic job to talk about at least some of their experiences.  Rescue events often happen so quickly that there is little opportunity to process the horrors of the event.  It is natural for trauma workers to talk about at least some of the day’s events with a loved one. This allows for emotional processing with someone separate from their job, someone who cares and can offer a sympathetic ear and, hopefully, emotional healing. The National Healthy Marriage Resource Center notes that “The divorce, suicide, and alcoholism rate for first responders is higher than for most other professions.”  Keeping harsh emotions trapped inside is not only mentally unhealthy but can eventually affect a person physically (we’ve all heard of the effects that stress can have on the body).

Yes, daily unloading of every graphic detail of the job would create an emotional drain on one’s spouse.  It would be bad practice.  Yet refusing to communicate at all about work could potentially be very damaging to relationships.  Couples naturally form conversations about the times they spend apart.  They fill each other in, show interest in each other’s days and activities, thus closing the gap between their separate lives.  If consistently met with a one-sided “how was your day” conversation, a spouse may feel rejected or become suspicious.  Sharing some of the less gory details can also help first responders avoid becoming emotionally numb altogether as a coping technique--something that would definitely be a detriment to any relationship.  A little sharing can allow a responder’s spouse to understand and offer empathy after particularly rough events. This can also help spouses understand how the job might be affecting their heroes at home.  They may be overly protective of their spouse or children, display anxious tendencies, have difficulty sleeping.  The spouse who is filled in on at least some of the traumas will better understand how to help the first responder to react in healthy ways to the effects of their job.  

Overall, keeping open lines of communication and sharing a few details about work is important in any marriage, but for first responders, it is critical to their own health and that of their marriage.